When a woman says "I don't know"

[Tman]

CJ,
From a female perspective, I would like to know 1. what a woman would like to be asked that would get her talking about herself. 2. your position on how I can improve my openers. 3. what to do when an opener gives a very brief answer.

Most of my openers (or you can call it something elses when the conversation was already going for 3 minutes) are open ended and are more information collecting oriented. Here are some examples:

-Tell me three things that are special about yourself, that has nothing to do with your looks or your job/school.
-What makes you different than other women?
-Suppose you are not at work/school and not here (here would be a dance instruction studio for example), what do you do?

Sometimes, I get the "I don't know" answer, which makes me view the female as less interesting. I sometimes talk about my passtimes and hope (ugh) that she demonstrates that her personailty is at least more than collectings stamps I avoid on purpose all the boring CV-like questions like where do you live, what you do....

So, please give a shot at my 3 questions.

Tman

[cjchandler]

Hello Mr. Tman:

How are you?

Everyone I know is ultimately looking for the same thing- intellectual, emotional, and physical stimulation. This is a good thing.


So here we go:

1. Not all women will respond to the same stimuli.
2. Your age is somewhat important- cocky/funny works well for men in their twenties to late thirties, but much older and you may seem a bit lecherous.
3. It is important for me to know where you live- women really are not the same everywhere.


For example, if you walk up to a New Yorker and ask her if she would tell you three things that are special about her, she is probably going to blow you out of the water. She may very well tell you three things, but I assure you it will not be what you had in mind. Think about it, I only know you for 3 minutes and you want to know why I am special! If a guy said that to me, my thought would be that he was trying to circumvent the path to my soul. No way, there is an entrance fee for that information darling; without a doubt, you will have to earn it.

Some things to talk about:

1. Style: Women love to talk about fashion. You can say something like, “you have a great sense of style- I struggle in this area.� What do you think; do you think guys should wear clothes that are comfortable like loose and baggy or more fitted, to show off our muscular physique? Then make a weak attempt at a “body builder� move. Keep the conversations going by asking her some questions that are not personal. From there you can segue into talking about current movies, music, etc. The most critical aspect of any opener is to keep in light and fun. Never make a woman feel like she is being interviewed or under the gun to answer your questions.

2. Improve your openers by being spontaneous and siege opportunities as they present themselves. This is truly the art of being natural. Openers are okay when you are building your repertoire, and are necessary to foster confidence- once mastered, burn them. Women are very sensitive and intuitive; they know when a line is ‘canned.’


Ask her to dance, especially if there is no music playing- if she does not respond then dance the tango on your own, (men that can tango exude a raw masculinity that is irresistible to women). I love to laugh, so if a man makes me giggle early on in the conversation, I will feel more at ease.




3. There are a myriad of reasons why women do not respond or give a feeble answer like, “I dunno,� maybe she does not have much to say or perhaps she was musing about Darwin’s theory of natural selection vs. his less-known theory of sexual selection. If she responds to your query (opener) with a blank stare, ask her if a “cat got her tongue.� Give her a little bemused smile, and ask her if she knows where that saying originated. (I always thought “cat got your tongue,� was meant to a child who would not answer). Another lesser-known explanation I have heard is that it means a guy cannot talk because he is busy with cunnilingus. Okay, don’t believe me, but I really did not make that up!

If she literally answers, “I don’t know,� to a question she should know the answer to she could be bored, uninterested or has amnesia. If you feel it’s worth the bother, gently give her a hard time for her apathy. It is up to you to distinguish mere quirks from blatant red flags. No matter how gorgeous and alluring this woman is, if intellectual stimulation is important and you feel like you are talking to a wall, move on.

Asking a woman’s name or what area she lives in are viable questions- she could be from out of town, which may render your approach useless, or nothing more then a practice session. (Practice sessions by the way are great, talk to women who you would not normally find attractive just to get the banter going- you may bepleasantly surprised, and her “hot or not number� may even go up).

What ever it is that you say or do, execute with confidence & charisma-remember that this is all suppose to be fun.

BTW, if you do not have Carlos’ Approach Women Now set you are missing amazing information on how to approach women.

This is a true story, I had my car washed a couple of months ago and I had the Approach Women Now CD in my trunk next to my new digital camera. When I came back to my car, the CD was gone! My camera was still sitting there shinny and new in all it’s glory. I went to the owner Matt, and explained that maybe my CD was accidentally thrown away or something, (I could not accuse anyone of theft). So he looked around in the garbage and asked some of the gang if they saw it. My guess is everyone was looking for a music CD, and I didn’t have the fortitude to tell him what the CD was REALLY about.

No, I didn’t get it back, but the next time I had my car washed at Matt’s I noticed a guy with glassy eyes, a sly smirk and a hop in his step.

Best,

Cj Chandler

[Tman]

Hi CJ,
Your response is appreciated. BTW, my name is Frank. Tman is supposed to be pronounced “The man� and complement the mars symbol avatar. Did you see the connection? My attitude is improving, thanks for asking. I have an extra question for you that's at the end of this post.

Your lengthy answer will help a lot of guys out there. The reason for openers is my current “phase�. I live in Montreal, am in my late twenties and studied in engineering, where the female enrollment was 15%. For 2+ years, I took swing dancing courses and became good at it. My pre-Carlos (and pre-dance) experience was with females I already knew a little. Now, I get to see a lot more women, but approach more like “cold calling�. FYI, I bought two of Carlos' eBooks plus I'm on his monthly audio programme.

I totally understand that sometimes the cause of “I don't know� is that the girl is not interested. I catch on via facial expressions and have no questions to ask you about that.

My second question, a bit subtle in the difference, is what to do to get attraction generation interleaved in the F->M and M->F directions. A lot of my cold conversational starters will get the person I'm addressing to act a bit more radiant, excited, more blood circulation. In other words the F->M IOIs are already there. In my conversations, I put a balance of jokes, opinions and don't overdo talking about myself. (I understand the latter tends to be perceived as reciting a CV in a job interview, which ultimately comes out as an approval seeking beta trait.) The problem is that even when I see the other person is getting turned on (I wouldn't be writing this letter if the girl is in full extacy...), often I tend to lose interest and am saying to myself “isn't it her turn to make me excited?� or “what's in it for me?�. Can you recommend anything more to make the female take action to try to win me over? I suppose I'll slip in a third: What is the female take of just sitting there and waiting to be approached by guys?

Frank

[cjchandler]

Hi:

I am pleased to make your acquaintance Frank. Yummy I love an engineer who can swing. Equating approaching women to cold calling makes me think about my evil first grade teacher who used to scratch the blackboard with her nails. Not pretty. My guess is that you are on the verge of making all the connections- getting this game to click takes time and practice. Congratulations on taking the initiative in becoming an authentic man.

So let me stop you here, the woman you are addressing becomes radiant, excited, flushed, and then what happens? I am unsure of your question- are you saying you are priming her and then letting all your hard work fizzle?

Please do not limit yourself by your environment- you control your environment by your beliefs and feelings. How a woman makes you feel, is not as important as how you feel about yourself and your actions.

I think what is happening here Frank is you are stuck in your head and not letting your emotions ride. Do not fear being a little vulnerable. Women are excited by men who are both masculine and can show their identity. You are over thinking this- yes, you want a woman to do some initiating, but do not expect it early on in every encounter. The last guy I gave my phone number to, I actually shoed him away from me- I thought he was too young- he didn’t get offended by my actions and played up the cocky/funny stuff and actually pulled out his ID. Turns out, he looked 10 years younger then his age. And yes, as we were leaving, I slapped my business card into his hand. That scenario is very rare, no matter how hot and bothered I get, initially, the man needs to pursue me. Once I am comfortable with him, sure, I will get things going, but that is later on in the relationship.

Still I am confused, and frankly, I cannot answer this question without more information.
What is it exactly that is turning you off? My thought is before you judge her; you need to interact with her in a different environment. Ask her on a date for coffee or a walk, get to know her, drive up the sexual tension, and see how it plays out.

I won’t reiterate what Carlos has already told you about driving up sexual tension, but I will offer you this little tidbit. If this doesn’t get her aroused to the point of attacking you into the bedroom, take two aspirins and call me in the morning. Here ya go:

Why don’t you invite her to dinner, cook something nice, but do not go over board. For desert, have a bowl of luscious red ripe strawberries on the table, as she goes to eat a strawberry, tell her to stop. Take the strawberry from her and rub it on your lips a bit, then dip it into some confectioner’s sugar, look into her eyes, pause, and tell her to “taste it now.� When she takes a bite, do not let go- let her lick your fingers.

As for your third question, I already intended to answer “what a woman thinks as she sits there waiting to be approached,� in the next audio coaching series.

Carlos will be interviewing me this coming Friday. If you or any of the other guys have some questions you want answered live, now is the time to shoot them over to me. As you can see, Cj is a little bit feisty this week.

Best,

Cj Chandler



PS. It does seem unfair that men have to do all the work in the initial stages of dating and attraction. Next time you are feeling a little frustrated, take a deep breath, sit back and think about who it is that carries and pushes out 9 pounds babies.

Life is good, huh?

[Tman]

CJ,

>Still I am confused, and frankly, I cannot answer this question without more information.
>What is it exactly that is turning you off?
An example of a turn off is when the conversation ratio derives from the 50:50. The girl is usually unconsciously acting interested, which I can see, but not doing anything actively about it. Another one is when I get an email address because I did some work but the female doesn't ask for mine. I view it as anincongruence. I'm not talking from an insecurity point of view, or hope that things will hapen from nowhere, but I can't go "ignorance is bliss". I don't tend to be turned on by a person who is passive.



>So let me stop you here, the woman you are addressing becomes radiant, excited, flushed, and then what happens?
> I am unsure of your question- are you saying you are priming her and then letting all your hard work fizzle?

Let me give a few examples.

1. I went to a small club and there was a group of girls dancing on a small space. Two of them were trying to spin each other to do like partner dancing and were clueless. I walked up and said "You are doing it all wrong." I don't recall the exact tid bit of conversation (it was very short), but I mentioned that I did swing and salsa. I added
"you need a guy who knows how to" and grabbed her hand gently. She said no. So I replied "You're a lesbian ?" After saying no the whole group of 5 went away. (My question is not here yet, it's coming right up). A bit later one of the group saw me having a drink and asked "So why is it you called my friend a lesbian?" So I did my marketing self-promotion pitch, she got all excited and ran away. Huh? Why dosn't she do something about her interest? Or her friend's interest? Earlier that evening all 5 ran away. So yes, I let that all fizzle.


2. A few of us attended a lounge upon the invitation of an orgainzer of a dance workshop. After speaking to a girl for a few minutes, she was saying things like "oh wow", "you're really scoring points". I got those brief answers I mentioned in another post. Later, when I was leaving I didn't really interrupt her when she was dancing with the guy she came with. I did ask her about him that night and when she said he was a friend. I did say in a cocky humoristic tone "what kind of a friend? are the two of you intimate?" (to say I'm S.A.M. sexually aware man ). She replied no, just a friend. So I fizzled because I didn't feel as if she made an effort to turn me on.


So I guess that I'm going to wait for your take on the pyschology of a female just sitting there. I don't totally understand all the passiveness I find. I can turn women on, it's just that there's a point where I feel I should be getting turned on too. It might be a bit arrogant of me to say this, but often I find that I am more interesting than the people I meet.
Best regards,
Frank

[cjchandler]

Hi Frank:

Thanks for the questions.

As soon as I free some time I will respond to some of your questions/scenarios.

I will leave you with this thought for today:
-
Not all men want the same thing in a relationship, be it a one night stand or greater intimacy.

Understanding what you are attracted to in a woman will open some doors for you.

As a masculine man, your sexual essence is often attracted to feminine women.

Balanced men are attracted to balanced women. When you meet a woman with feminine energy who is radiant, alive, relaxed and who can move you, you will get out of your head and into your body.

Don't listen to your internal dialog- let go a little and women will come to you.

You need to be open to changing your feeling based on whatever a woman might reveal to you- through her words or body language, and then you make the decision how to proceed based on your desires, knowledge, and intuitive wisdom.

The audio coaching with Ms. Chandler will be out I think in July. I will probably go back and do another session as we had so much to cover and not enough time.

Carlos did just invite me to participate in the next free teleseminar for May 31st.

PS… Women must test men, they do this not to be cruel or annoying, rather, it is her only way to interpret a mans strength, inner truth, integrity, intelligence and openness.

Cheers,

Cj

[Dimos]

PS… Women must test men, they do this not to be cruel or annoying, rather, it is her only way to interpret a mans strength, inner truth, integrity, intelligence and openness.

I think that in fact a shit test is an IOI. Why test you if she is not interested in you? 8)