co- worker

[dave61a]

Hi , could you help with a problem I may have with a co-worker.
She is a Polish agency worker who's English is not brilliant.
She has worked with us for over a week. At her first brake times she sat on her own talking to no one.I decided to sit with her be friendly so she didn't feel lonley(I wasn't just doing this because I,m a nice guy).We seemed to get on she didn,t mind me being with her. Any waythe starte on last week one of the otherpolish girls working with her made friends with her and they sat togehter.Great I thought she is settling in, but she is now ignoring me.though this doesn,t bother me a lot what is going on and is their anything I can do if I have DONE anything wronge

[cjchandler]

Hi Dave,

First off, ask yourself why you think you may have done something wrong. Women ignore the pleasantries of men all the time; that she is a non native speaker, only adds to the mix of confusion. Never assume the responsibility for how another person is feeling. (Now I am assuming of course that you did not just plop down next to her and drone on and on about how you once ate a bowl of Kapuśniak and barfed all over your brother's shoes.) (Remember, you can not make a person feel any particular way. Sure, at times we can be the catalyst that fuels emotions, but ultimately it's that persons responsibility how he or she feels).

In this situation, you have nothing to lose if you go sit with both women and chat them up. Use her new friend to bridge the language gap. Let them see that you are there to extend your hand in friendship- look up a few Polish words or sayings and try out your silly accent on them. If you can't make them laugh, well then, you know at least you tried.

We have a few culture clicks in my office too; I am always friendly and personable, but I can tell if they just want to talk upon themselves. Recently, I did break through the Spanish click barrier. A few Spanish speaking women I work with are often off to themselves; it's not that they are not friendly, they are, it's just that they feel comfortable communicating in their native tongue. A couple of weeks ago, I walked up to 3 women who were speaking Spanish and giggling away. After a moment (and this is key, you can not stand there a long time, because you will look and feel awkward), I chatted them up a bit, and then recanted a true story of an incident that happened to me when I was 18 traveling in South America.

The story is rather funny, I went to the market in Lima dying for an avocado. I thought hey, I am in South America, this has got to be standard fare. I walked around what seemed like miles of food and trinket vendors asking every one I met if they knew where I can find an 'abogado.' I thought maybe I had dirt on my face or black in my teeth because everyone gave me that 'you are weird lady- go away,' kind of look. Finally, one colorfully clad Peruvian woman asked me to explain what this abogado looked like. I, in my best high school Spanish described a, "a roundish, green, bumpy thing with a nut in the middle." Ah 'si si,' she said, and ran around grabbing all the other merchants making me repeat my quest over an over while they roared in laughter. It turned out, I was looking for a green, bumpy, roundish attorney! Ha! (And we wonder where lawyers got their stellar reputation.)

FYI, the Spanish word for 'avocado' is aquacate. Duh.

So you see, when I told these once seemingly stand offish women my hysterical story, they became more then just friendly, they became my friends.

Forget oysters; the best aphrodisiac is laughter.

[cjchandler]

FYI gents...

Before ya all shrug your shoulders and chant in unison" WTF," she's a chick so it's easy to talk to other women; hold on just a sec. Here's the deal. Once you get out of the frame of questioning yourself whether you did something wrong, it does not matter who you approach.

The idea is practice, practice, practice. Anyone that you think gives you the cold shoulder, the girl at Starbucks, the bad ass motorcycle dude down the block, or the little old lady with the pill box hat, are all fair game. You need to be comfortable approaching ANYONE so that when you do strike it up with a woman you do not feel like your zipper is down, or there's a load of spinach hanging out of your teeth.

To be honest, there once was a time when I was painfully shy. My mom used to joke about how she thought I knew her friends by their shoes; apparently, I always looked down when she introduced me. I was so quiet, my parents would drive a few hundred miles and then panic thinking they left me at the last gas station.

Not everyone is born with confidence. Frankly, I am grateful that I had to earn my badge of self-esteem. I think it makes me a little more, I don't know, compassionate, yet tough.

Bottom line: I learned that no matter how painful I thought the situation was, NO ONE else seemed to notice. I was putting all this pressure on myself for naught! You are the only one who has an interest in your well being.

The greatest mistake you can make in life is fearing you will make one.

Stop caring what other people think about you, the only person that really matters is the person you must wake up with every day for the rest of your life.

~

[dave61a]

Hi folks back again to up date you as to what happened. I never thought it was my fault but I wanted to know what happened for future referrence. She ignored me so I ignored her back.This went on untill last week.I had to know what was bothering her. I waited till lunch . I found her sitting alone playing a game on her cell phone. I sat next to her with out asking permission stopped her from using her cell keepng eye contact I said look i'm sorry but what have I done wrong. She gave me a shrug and looked away.I kept eye contact (I didn't want to start an argument) and said so it's ok between us she said yes. Every thing went back to the way it was before.Whenever I see her she smiles at me and we talk in passing . Two questions come to mind: 1. Was it a test and if so did I pass.2. What do I DO NEXT.